Ratcheting Down Perfect Parent Syndrome

As Parenthood Becomes Ever More Hands-On,

One Teacher and Parent Calls For an End to ‘Instagram Perfect Moments’

Today’s parents are besieged from all sides. With social media and parental advice all over the Internet, parents can literally read two articles in five minutes with totally separate points of view. As a result, parents are caught in a vice--do I exercise too little control—or too much?

My takeaway: parents have to choose what’s right for their family rather than the family down the street.

Workforce Dilemma

Today, there are lots of pressures on moms. In the workforce, they may feel that they have to be best employee. As they return home at night, they may then feel the pressure to be the best mom, the best wife or the best daughter.

Working moms have the same goals as stay-at-home moms but not the time and money. In a recent article from The New York Times, Claire Cain Miller shares that “Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.” Still, there’s a ‘mom’ pressure to create perfect parties that seem ever more theme-driven, ritzy and obsessive.

Perfection or Pose?

Recently, after an Instagram-Perfect birthday party for a five year-old, the mom posted photos. Perfect hair, perfectly clean clothing--and a scowl on the face of the child.

How long did it take mom to get the child to that level of perfection—no food stains on the face or clothes and perfect coiffeurs all the way around?

Was the child henpecked or yelled at by mom to achieve that parental perfection?

Did mom obsess over everything to create a ‘Keeping Up with the Joneses’ look that quietly screamed ‘we got it all going for us.’’

Or, was it all a pose backed with our guilt of continuously doing more for our child while constantly making us parents look great?  What if parents just stopped trying to be obsessively perfect and said it’s okay to buy a grocery store birthday cake, go bowling, eat pizza, sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and leave it at that? Would that would help end this endless one-up-(wo)man-ship of overly expensive five year-old birthday parties?

Thinking Back

Did our parents feel the social pressures like we do today but without the use of social media? How did they juggle the work/life balancing act? They didn’t seem to overschedule us or endlessly entertain us. They simply loved us and invested themselves with us at home without the accoutrements of obsession disguised as status. How can we learn more from our upbringing to create a more zen lifestyle for ourselves and our families?

Remember, it’s all about our children--not an extravagant event that yells ‘look at us.’

One Mom’s Acceptance

If I didn't work, I'd probably be an even better Mom. And if I didn't have kids, I'd probably be an even better Teacher. But I'm ok with being a good Mom and a good Teacher, finding that balance to accept the best I can be.

I have learned to accept in myself that I can only do as much as I can do. And, that some things can wait until tomorrow.

This attitude has been serving me well—without guilt. I have learned from a parenting perspective to do what’s right for our--my--family. I am working toward building behaviors that will build a whole child. And that means ratcheting down the perfect parent need in me.

I hope you’ll consider trying it, too.